A letter to my sweet son on his first day of kindergarten:
Here it is. The big day! I feel like I just had this tiny baby boy… I feel like I just marveled at how tiny your fingers were and how amazing it was that I grew this teensy person. Then again, it was 5&1/2 years ago and so much has happened since then. It’s been the best 5 years of my life, so far… becoming a mother… your mother. I’m slowly learning to let go little by little…
I’m learning that parenthood is a series of letting go over and over again… of putting your blood, your heart, your time and love into someone and and with that, building them wings to fly away with one day. This is really just the first part. I guess that’s why moms cry that first day. That first bandaid is hard to rip off. But I keep telling myself you’ll be my same baby tomorrow and every day after that.
I’ve been emotional these past few weeks. My husband often jokes that it doesn’t take much to make me cry, but it’s been worse. Then I thought, you know, most of my favorite people cry easily. Because they feel. Because the world hasn’t made their soul callused and hard and they are empathetic and passionate. I’m okay with being in that club…
I’ve been watching you sleep when I go to kiss you goodnight… and thinking of how quickly it’s all gone, how you still look so small and vulnerable laying there still clutching your baby blanket and I love and hate that. I think about how much you’ve taught me over these past 5 years.
Buddy, you’ve taught me to be better, to love more than I ever thought imaginable and to take a deep breath and be patient. You taught me to slow down and put my phone down and say to hell with all the other stuff, life is in front of me and it’s meant to be lived. I learned to slay dragons in the front yard and to leave my worries behind and go ride a bike sometimes. Thanks for that. I needed it.
We can still build blanket forts and have popcorn inside them on rainy Saturdays… And I’ll be honest, I haven’t read Harry Potter yet. It’s because I’m waiting for you to be able to read them at the same time and we can gush about it and have little book club talks about it later. I can’t wait to go on bike rides with you without your training wheels… there are things I’m looking forward to in this next chapter. I just can’t look at pictures of you as a baby right now without mourning for those days. Which is really quite funny, considering I was exhausted.
I’m proud of you. I know you are going to do great. I am excited for you. You’re reading for goodness sake, it’s time.
Just remember to keep your head up. Be nice, be grateful and be brave. Don’t lose yourself, or compare yourself. It’s not worth it. Those are things I still remind myself of every day.
It’s just time for me to let you walk in there and start giving this world what you’ve got. Because it’s something special. YOU are something so very special.